One Liners!
In about a thousand years, archeologists
will dig up tanning beds and think we fried
people as punishment!
Submitted: 5-24-11
By:
will dig up tanning beds and think we fried
people as punishment!
Submitted: 5-24-11
By:
Scientist have created a camera with such
a fast shutter speed that they can now
photograph a woman with her mouth shut!
Submitted 5-24-11
By:
a fast shutter speed that they can now
photograph a woman with her mouth shut!
Submitted 5-24-11
By:
I wonder if (send me money) subliminal
messages are effective?
Submitted 5-24-11
By:
messages are effective?
Submitted 5-24-11
By:
"It's the FBI, open the door!"
"No, it's cool when you break in!"
Submitted 5-24-11
By:
"No, it's cool when you break in!"
Submitted 5-24-11
By:
Why is it that DRIVE UP ATM's have braille
for blind people...if youre blind and driving,
there's an issue here.
Submitted 5-24-11
By:
for blind people...if youre blind and driving,
there's an issue here.
Submitted 5-24-11
By:
3 Types of people I hate:
1.Racists
2.List Makers
3.Indians
Submitted 5-24-11
By:
1.Racists
2.List Makers
3.Indians
Submitted 5-24-11
By:
I have a large seashell collection, which I
keep scattered on beaches all over the
world.
Submitted 5-24-11
By:
keep scattered on beaches all over the
world.
Submitted 5-24-11
By:
This cop pulled me over for going 18 in a
65 and asked me, "HOW HIGH ARE YOU?"
and I'm like are you high? It's, "HI, HOW
ARE YOU."
Submitted 5-24-11
By:
65 and asked me, "HOW HIGH ARE YOU?"
and I'm like are you high? It's, "HI, HOW
ARE YOU."
Submitted 5-24-11
By:
I saw a baby wearing a shirt that said,
"daddy's little squirt"...
Submitted 5-24-11
By:
"daddy's little squirt"...
Submitted 5-24-11
By:
When I'm behind someone who's wearing
white pants, I like to whisper, "I hope that's
chocolate" as I walk by.
Submitted 5-24-11
By:
white pants, I like to whisper, "I hope that's
chocolate" as I walk by.
Submitted 5-24-11
By:
Sometimes when m stomach growls in
public I like to pet it and say "Its okay,
there just friends" just to creep them out.
Submitted 5-24-11
By:
public I like to pet it and say "Its okay,
there just friends" just to creep them out.
Submitted 5-24-11
By:
I tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling
because it's cheaper than a smoke alarm.
Submitted 5-24-11
By:
because it's cheaper than a smoke alarm.
Submitted 5-24-11
By:
Why Anti-Drug companies shouldn't make
pencils.
<Too cool to do drugs!]
<cool to do drugs!]
<do drugs!]
Submitted 4-29-11
pencils.
<Too cool to do drugs!]
<cool to do drugs!]
<do drugs!]
Submitted 4-29-11
What do you think PETA's reaction would
be if you sent them a box of animal
crackers with there heads bitten off?
Submitted 4-29-11
be if you sent them a box of animal
crackers with there heads bitten off?
Submitted 4-29-11
So I was at the park the other day, thinking
to myself, "why is the frisbee getting bigger?"
Then it hit me
Submitted 4-29-11
to myself, "why is the frisbee getting bigger?"
Then it hit me
Submitted 4-29-11
I hate it when people steal quotes from
movies. It makes me angry, and you
wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
Submitted 4-29-11
movies. It makes me angry, and you
wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
Submitted 4-29-11
You: One of your friends sounds like an
owl...
Them: Who??
You: Oh my gosh! Yo do too:P
Submitted 4-29-11
owl...
Them: Who??
You: Oh my gosh! Yo do too:P
Submitted 4-29-11
Never pick your nose going over a speed
bump.
Submitted 4-29-11
bump.
Submitted 4-29-11
seeing a spider isn't a problem. It
becomes a problem when it disappears.
Submitted 4-29-11
becomes a problem when it disappears.
Submitted 4-29-11
I lost hope for America
When I picked up and American flag that
said "made in China"
Submitted 4-29-11
When I picked up and American flag that
said "made in China"
Submitted 4-29-11
I like to stand by the elevator doors... wait
till they close... turn around and say... "I
suppose you're wondering why I asked
you all here"
Submitted 4-14-11
till they close... turn around and say... "I
suppose you're wondering why I asked
you all here"
Submitted 4-14-11
Study...study...stud...sta...sta...ah...staf...
stafay....fay...face...facebookf
Submitted 4-14-11
stafay....fay...face...facebookf
Submitted 4-14-11
My girlfriend likes putting her breasts in my
face and asking for something expensive.
She always get her way. This, my friends, is
known as a booby trap.
Submitted 4-14-11
face and asking for something expensive.
She always get her way. This, my friends, is
known as a booby trap.
Submitted 4-14-11
Grandpa: "Go and hid, your teacher is here
because you skipped school today"
Me:"YOU go and hide...I told her you were
DEAD!!!"
Submitted 4-14-11
because you skipped school today"
Me:"YOU go and hide...I told her you were
DEAD!!!"
Submitted 4-14-11
"You know life is hard when gas prices are
higher than your GPA" -Katt Williams
Submitted 4-14-11
higher than your GPA" -Katt Williams
Submitted 4-14-11
BF - why are you such a b****
GF - Why are you such an @$$-hole
BF - I hope your purse rips
GF - I hope your xbox gets a red ring.
BF - *gasps* take that back
Submitted 4-14-11
GF - Why are you such an @$$-hole
BF - I hope your purse rips
GF - I hope your xbox gets a red ring.
BF - *gasps* take that back
Submitted 4-14-11
"The curtains are blue"
What you english teacher thinks: The
colors represents his immense depression.
What the author meant: The curtains were
freakin blue!
Submitted 4-14-11
What you english teacher thinks: The
colors represents his immense depression.
What the author meant: The curtains were
freakin blue!
Submitted 4-14-11
My Wife and I have different ways of
cleaning the toilet. She uses clorox and
rinses it twice. I piss as hard as I can at the
s*** stains.
Submitted 4-14-11
cleaning the toilet. She uses clorox and
rinses it twice. I piss as hard as I can at the
s*** stains.
Submitted 4-14-11
Some people say that having their child is
the best day of their life. OBVIOUSLY they
have never had two kitkats fall out of the
vending machine at once.
Submitted 4-14-11
the best day of their life. OBVIOUSLY they
have never had two kitkats fall out of the
vending machine at once.
Submitted 4-14-11
"Are you hungery?"
"Nope, my stomach is just growling
because it's really protective of me."
Submitted 4-14-11
"Nope, my stomach is just growling
because it's really protective of me."
Submitted 4-14-11
What Do You Call A Yabba Dabba Bitch, Dressed Up Like A Fruity Pebble? JOhn Cena
Submitted 4-14-11
Submitted 4-14-11
Billy: Did you hear about the actress that
was stabbed in London yesterday? Reese...
what's her face?
Timmy: Witherspoon?
Billy: No with a knife.
submitted 4-9-11
was stabbed in London yesterday? Reese...
what's her face?
Timmy: Witherspoon?
Billy: No with a knife.
submitted 4-9-11
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Teacher: What is the opposite of laughing?
Student: Sex
Teacher: How is that?
Student: Simple, laughing is "ha ha ha"
and sex is "ah ah ah"
submitted 4-9-11
Student: Sex
Teacher: How is that?
Student: Simple, laughing is "ha ha ha"
and sex is "ah ah ah"
submitted 4-9-11
Amazing senior prank: Release 3 pigs into
the school with tags that say 1, 2 and 4 on
them. Everyone will freak out and spend
hours looking for #3.
submitted 4-9-11
the school with tags that say 1, 2 and 4 on
them. Everyone will freak out and spend
hours looking for #3.
submitted 4-9-11
Earth: Weeeee!!!!
Sun: Your a freakin retard.
submitted 4-9-11
Sun: Your a freakin retard.
submitted 4-9-11
Got kicked out of a costume party for
wearing only a red shirt....apparently
they've never heard of Winnie the Pooh.
submitted 4-9-11
wearing only a red shirt....apparently
they've never heard of Winnie the Pooh.
submitted 4-9-11
I saw a sign at a McDonald's, it said "We do
not accept Bills over $20"
Trust me, If I had more than a $20 bill I
wouldn't be eating at McDonalds.
submitted 4-9-11
not accept Bills over $20"
Trust me, If I had more than a $20 bill I
wouldn't be eating at McDonalds.
submitted 4-9-11
Immature is a word boring people use to
describe the fun people.
submitted 4-9-11
describe the fun people.
submitted 4-9-11
Wanted to treat myself to something
expensive today... so I went and got gas
for my car!
submitted 4-9-11
expensive today... so I went and got gas
for my car!
submitted 4-9-11
Learn spanish in 30 seconds, read this out
loud: Ten Go Free Hold Less In Me Cool
Low.....you are now fluent in spanish.
submitted 4-9-11
loud: Ten Go Free Hold Less In Me Cool
Low.....you are now fluent in spanish.
submitted 4-9-11
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job,
slowly raise your head and say,
"In jesus name... amen".
submitted 4-9-11
slowly raise your head and say,
"In jesus name... amen".
submitted 4-9-11
I wonder who was the first person to see
an egg come out of a chickens a$$ and
say, "I'm gonna eat that".
submitted 4-9-11
an egg come out of a chickens a$$ and
say, "I'm gonna eat that".
submitted 4-9-11
You know how you feel when you open a
bag full of chips & its only 30% full? That's
how us guys feel about push-up bras.
submitted on 4-8-11
bag full of chips & its only 30% full? That's
how us guys feel about push-up bras.
submitted on 4-8-11
I never got the chance to be pretty, see
when my mom used to rock me to sleep
she used those really big rocks.
when my mom used to rock me to sleep
she used those really big rocks.
A guy walks into a psych ward wearing
nothing but saran wrap around his waist...
the doctor comes out and says, "I can
clearly see your nuts"
nothing but saran wrap around his waist...
the doctor comes out and says, "I can
clearly see your nuts"
So the early worm gets eaten?
In your bed, It's 6AM, you close your eyes
for 5 minutes, it's 7:45. At school, it's 1:30
you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 1:30
for 5 minutes, it's 7:45. At school, it's 1:30
you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 1:30
I've heard that Apple have scrapped their
plans for the new children's Ipod after
realizing the 'iTouch Kids' is not a good
product name.
plans for the new children's Ipod after
realizing the 'iTouch Kids' is not a good
product name.
You know your screwed when you get the
sample question wrong.
sample question wrong.
You'd be amazed at how often I'm wrong
when people say, "guess what?"
when people say, "guess what?"
Chuck Norris is so badass he can be
in the wrong section and still get votes.
in the wrong section and still get votes.
